Thursday, March 24, 2016

Dads Who Can, Teach

Alyssa is the child development professional in the family. She has umpteen years of college, a decade of workplace experience, and a history of overcoming obstacles that would cow the mightiest of men (or women, though they're a fair bit tougher). When it comes to kids, she unequivocally knows her stuff.

I, on the other hand, have a professional history that could best be described as "flaky" or "say that again?" Yet, as the work-from-home parent, it falls primarily on my shoulders to teach and discipline our little 2-person contribution to the next generation. Alanis Morissette might call that "irony."

I like to employ Alyssa's tried and tested discipline strategies now and again. I also like to yell, pout and get personally offended when my 5-year-old defies me. Hey, I'm a work in progress. Unlike Alyssa, I have no formal training as an educator, but I do share her love of teaching, and get unreasonably excited when my kids ask me questions.

Now, I'm aware that I am not the shiniest truck in the Hot Wheels box, but I've read enough National Geographic to know, at a functional level, how the world works. Yesterday, on the way to the museum, Anni asked me how volcanoes get into the ocean. Heck yes! I thought. Teachable moment! I went on to mouth-paint a word-picture of Earth's innards. I explained it layer by layer, beginning with a core of white-hot, molten rock and ending (more-or-less) with Mount Doom. I hit every scientific note, brought every concept down to a kindergarten level, and basically thought I gave a slam-dunk explanation of geology and volcanology.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she told me.
"Come on!" I pleaded. "Water is liquid ice! Just like lava is liquid rock! Don't you see?"

The volcano lesson ended in a wash. I'm not even really certain I answered the initial question. However, later that day I received a chance at redemption. You see, our family has recently become enamored of Avatar: The Last Airbender. The titular character and his friends spend lots of screen time flying around on the back of a preternaturally large, six-legged bovine -- an albino sky bison named Appa. Asher awoke with glee yesterday, his birthday, to find his own Appa looming over him, like so many characters in the show have done.

"Daddy, are bisons real?" he asked, clutching the stuffed animal. With a victorious smile, I assured him that they were, except that they only had four legs, weren't white, couldn't fly (and also that the plural of "bison" is "bison"). He frowned, realizing I was essentially describing a cow, but nevertheless agreed to stop by the game preserve to see them in real life.

We did many fun things that day, but the payoff came right then:  watching waves of sheer amazement take the kids' faces, as the three-quarter ton behemoths plodded along the slope. In my children's wide eyes, their hollers, gasps and laughs, I found rekindled my own life-long fascination with those regal beasts.

The kids asked questions. I answered questions. Once again, I got to be the smartest man on the planet -- only this time, I think the lesson stuck. Take that, Alanis Morissette.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

First Quarter 2016 Project Updates!

Well folks, there's quite a lot going on in this neck-of-the-woods. For starters, Shoot Cows has received quite a warm reception from the convention-goers who have play-tested, demo'd, bought and promoted the game. I'm happy to announce that the first expansion to the game, SHOOT COWS 2: SWINE FU! will be released at Pittsburgh's Steel City Con on April 15th! Online sales will shortly follow.

Also, here's a first look at Fairies VS Monsters, the upcoming board game inspired by the fairy tale battles of the living room floor! The game is currently in development, but I hope to publish it sometime next year.

Last but not least, the long-awaited sequel to The Wizard of Roaming Hall is nearing completion. I have not set a date for the publication of The Gift of the Traveler Guard, but I think sometime later this year is likely.

2016 is shaping up to be one of my most productive years ever!

Monday, August 5, 2013

SHOOT COWS: THE PULP-HORROR SERIAL

Episode 2: Strangers

The southbound bus roared away from the curb and droned on down the highway. A thunderclap pealed in the distance, lending a bit more credence to the meager rain that had kicked up. Booker embraced himself, collar turned up, raggedy ball cap pulled down to the bridge of his nose. The ramshackle lean-to with the audacity to call itself a bus stop did very little to shield him from the rain. Likewise, his leather coat and tattered clothes afforded him little in the way of warmth. It didn't matter. He was used to the cold, used to the rain. He had been on the drift for over a year now, and the unwelcoming bench of a desolate bus stop felt more like home than not.

He didn't care to look up when a brisk 'clip-clop' joined the dull thrumming of the rain. Nor did he move his feet to make space, even after running his eyes over a pair of red high-heels and up the shapely legs they were strapped to. The woman didn't seem to mind that he was taking up the whole bench. She was protected from the rain by a tan trench coat wrapped tightly around herself, and an umbrella that matched her lips, which incidentally matched her shoes. Booker quickly looked down at his worn-out steel-toes when she smiled in his direction.

"Hi, there," she said curtly.

Booker nodded once.

"My name's Erin," she went on. She gave him ample time to respond, but Booker said nothing. "Where are you headed?"

Realizing that the girl was unlikely to leave him alone unless he acknowledged her presence, Booker sat up and rubbed his bare hands together.

"Holstein City," he coughed.

"Aw, fun!" beamed Erin. "That's where I'm going, too!"

Booker sat and tried to fix his gaze anywhere but on the young, perky brunette.

"I'm going there for work," the girl continued. "I'm with P.A.T.E."

"You always dress like a street-walker on your way to work?" chuckled Booker, meaning, perhaps, to come across as playful. Erin gasped and took a lateral step away.

"Damn," he thought. It had been a long time since someone had forced a conversation on him, and he had forgotten some of the very basic principles of human interaction--chief among them: never insinuate that anybody is a hooker.

"Sorry 'bout that," he corrected. "I haven't... I haven't talked to anyone in a while."

"No kidding," scowled Erin.

"So you're with P.A.T.E.?" he said, trying to change the subject. "Why'n hell are you going to Holstein? You know ain't a damn thing being 'treated ethically' up there, especially the people. Bovinity gets wind, their liable to make you disappear."

"That's a chance I'm willing to take," said Erin. "They're doing stuff up there that isn't right. They need to be exposed, if they're ever going to be stopped."

A pair of headlights coalesced in the distance. The rain kept up, drowning out the awkward silence that would have otherwise elapsed between them. In a minute, an old bus with the Holstein City marquee grumbled and squeaked to a halt. The grim driver threw wide the door with nary a word nor a kind look.

"After you," said Booker, with a wave of his hand. Erin mounted the steps, then fumbled for her ticket in the depths of her oversized and overpriced handbag--wrought of the finest faux leather money could buy. The driver rolled his eyes and finger-drummed impatiently on the door lever. Booker handed off his own ticket unceremoniously, then found a vacant seat midway back.

They rode along in blessed silence for a while. Booker found himself lulled near to sleep by the monotonous road noise and the rhythmic swishing of the windshield wipers. He had nearly crossed over when his calm was jarred by a series of violent sounds.

"Shit!" muttered the bus driver, immediately followed by a jolt as he pulled the steering wheel hard to the left, then a horrible screech as he pounded the break pedal. The bus lurched, and there was a sickening 'thump-whump' that made the front and back of the bus kick in quick succession, like a giant, metal, mechanical bull.

"The hell was that?" cried Booker, on his feet as the bus screamed to a halt. Amid a string of obscenities, Booker thought he heard the bus driver mutter "cow." Booker threw open the door and hopped out into the intensifying rain.

"Did we run somebody over?" came a shrill voice from the rear of the bus.

"Trevor, sit down!" cried another.

"I just want to see!"

Before his mother could protest, a portly child of 8 or 9 years was trotting down the aisle.

"Trevor! Come back here this instant!"

He was down the stairs and out the door before the stunned driver even thought to close it.

"What is it, mister?" cried Trevor, panting as he caught up.

"Get back on the bus, kid," grumbled Booker.

"Was it a hobo?"

"No, it wasn't a hobo. Geez, kid. Just some animal."

He walked up to the motionless heap. Whatever it was, it was big.

"Holy crap! It's a cow!" cried Trevor through labored breaths.

Booker knelt down to inspect the carcass. Sure enough, it was a black and white Holstein. The level of carnage it had apparently suffered seemed a bit much, even for being run over by a bus. Half the skull was protruding, and it was missing an eyeball. The skin on its flanks and limbs was shredded, and dried blood and bits of viscera clung to every inch that wasn't, despite the pounding rain.

"Get back on the bus, kid. You don't want to see this."

The driver kicked his way around the front to inspect the damage, one hand on his forehead and the other on his hip; mustache all a-quiver from an unrelenting stream of curses. The boy's mother--whom Booker had arbitrarily dubbed 'Georgiana'--stormed out as fast as her trim, pink skirt-suit and white pumps would allow. Always eager to help, Erin trotted after her, umbrella in hand.

"Trevor, get back here this instant!" screamed Georgiana.

"Go on, everybody back on the bus," said Booker, standing and waving them all away.

"What was it?" asked Erin.

"Just a cow," said Booker.

"Really? Let me see."

She pulled a flashlight out of her comically large purse and shined it over Booker's shoulder.

"Where'd it go?" She said after scanning the stretch of highway.

"Huh?"

Booker wheeled around, but no trace of the cow carcass remained.

"That's weird," he muttered, squinting into the darkness. "Thing was all torn up. Looked like it might've been half-dead before we even hit it."

Erin continued to search with her diminutive beam of light while the others made their way back to the bus. She was herself about to turn and go, when a yellowish glint caught itself in the beam. She took a step or two toward the glowing eye, and the cow's horrific injuries became easier to see.

"Aw, poor thing..." she said. She stretched out her hand, as if the creature was a dog waiting to grow accustomed to her scent. "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."

The creature stared vacantly at her hand, remaining motionless even as she stepped close enough to touch its nose.

"That's it, girl."

With inches left to go, the cow suddenly bared its teeth and let loose an unholy shriek. With it came an expulsion of cool, slimy ichor that speckled her arm like a Jackson Pollock. Erin screamed in response and stumbled backward, the flashlight tumbling to the road. She backpedaled for a moment, then wheeled around and broke into a run. She could hear heavy footfalls gaining momentum behind her. Her heel caught a pothole, and she had a moment of brief intimacy with the pavement. She kicked out of her useless high-heels and stumbled to her feet, sprinting the last few yards to the safety of the bus.

"Shut the door!" she screamed, mascara tears and rain-drenched hair lending a little gothic flair to her schoolgirl good looks.

"What's going on?" asked Booker, calmly pulling the lever. Not a second later, the heifer's gruesome face collided with the glass.

"Jesus, is that thing still alive?" he said.

"That animal is clearly afflicted by something!" cried Erin.

"Yeah," he grinned, "it's called refusing to stay dead."

He retrieved a switchblade from his pocket and snapped it into lethal position.

"Time to put 'er out of 'er misery."

"She's a ward of P.A.T.E. and must be brought back unharmed for testing!"

The cow fumbled about in front of the bus, the full extent of both its injuries and its unnatural size laid bare for a split second by the headlights.

"Like Hell," said Booker, throwing open the door and bolting down the steps.

"Hey! As an authorized representative of 'Persons for Animals being Treated Ethically,' I must intervene on the cow's behalf!"

Booker squared off with the staggering heifer, trying to draw her attention. He had it soon enough.

"That's it," he said. "Come and get me..."

Suddenly, his eyes were assaulted by a horrible burning sensation. He lost his sense of balance and tripped over his own feet. Erin had maced him.

"What the hell are you doing!" he screamed, stumbling off to double over in agony.

"This animal is a protectorate of P.A.T.E. and must be brought in ali--

An eardrum-blasting sound smote the night air. The cow's head bucked, and she tottered and swayed and then toppled over. Erin looked around in dumbfounded confusion. At the foot of the stairs stood Georgiana, an enormous, smoking revolver clenched firmly in her perfectly manicured fists. Erin stared at her in disbelief. Booker let the rain wash the mace out of his eyes, then seized the opportunity to put his arm around Erin's waist and haul her onto the bus.

"We've got to get out of here!" he yelled, slamming the bus door. As the echoes of his words died out, the others looked around in silent confusion.

"Where's the bus driver?" asked Trevor in a small, quiet voice. They moved to the windshield and peered into the dim cone of light outside. For a few moments, only the pounding rain and the idling engine made any sound. Then a horrifying bang brought a scream to everyone's lips, as the terrified eyes of the bus driver met theirs at point-blank range.

He clawed impotently at the windshield, but some unseen terror was pulling him down, away into the darkness. Giant shapes coalesced around him, and he disappeared from their sight. Georgiana was the first to react. She stepped off the bus, gun loudly proclaiming her intentions.

"This is no time to be a hero!" cried Booker over the screams, roars and gunshots.

"Mommy!" yelled Trevor. He tried to follow her down, but Erin held him fast. Booker flew down the stairs and grabbed the woman by her shoulders, but she slipped away.

"Hands off, delinquent!" she snarled. About that time, she touched off her last round. The revolver clicked dispassionately once or twice more.

"I may be a delinquent," said Booker, "but at least I can count to six."

"Come on!" cried Erin from the driver's seat. There were dozens of cows now, and a few of them had lost interest in their departed prey and were staggering towards the live ones instead. Booker pushed Georgiana up the stairs, nearly getting his leg bitten off in the process. Erin slammed the door and hit the gas, bowling over half a dozen head of cattle.

"I thought you were here to save the cows?" grinned Booker as they laid a long stretch of road out behind them.

"I have a feeling they'll walk away from it," said Erin, gripping the wheel with white knuckles.

"You may want to slow down a little," said Booker. "City limit's up ahead. Sheriff likes to sit behind the Ubi-Quick-Co sign."

"What about the Driver?" asked Trevor, staring into the night behind them.

"He's with daddy, now," said Georgiana, shakily emptying her pistol onto the floor.